what girls want

I'm asked this question a lot, but am never prepared to answer it--"What do girls want?" It's usually preceded by a line of complaints about some failed attempt at dating a girl. I've given it some thought and I really can't say I have an answer. Probably because I'll only know what I want once I've found it.

It's fairly easy to write out a list of what we want in a potential partner: whether it be tall, dark, and handsome, or artistic, or funny, or religious, or a Harley-enthusiast, or a jock, etc... But these lists need to be thrown out. What we really want on paper never proves to be enough because they tend to describe two-dimensional people. We'll meet someone new and check off their personality and be content with what we see, until their other qualities come out and then all of a sudden this happens: "I don't even know you!"

What we think we truly want is someone who is a little bit of everything. This person comes with some or all of the things we love, and more likely than not, plenty of what we loathe. I could describe my perfect man and this person may exist somewhere in the world, but the reality of the situation is that I won't find him in this lifetime. We write to extremes but the people we meet and love tend to be a real mixture of what we want (and don't want).

At the end of the day, I think what we're really looking for is an all-consuming love and passion, a dynamic interaction that exists as both a quiet flame and a blazing fire. And at this point in my life, I'm convinced the only way to find that is to allow a new relationship plenty of time to develop, to the point where we come to know things about the other that they don't even know about themselves. Basically, it ain't gon' be quick or easy!

(On a side note: There's much to be said about open communication in a relationship. I find myself keeping quiet the thoughts that may drive away a potential love interest, but in the end, this doesn't do me any good because I've wasted time that could be spent with the right person. Read: We mustn't extend relationships past their expiration dates.)

p.s. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

haim - don't save me

Dancing at work to this little tune. Thanks, Mary!

letting go

There's this dream I used to have that started some time after the incident.

You had to move away for some reason, so you just packed up and left. Weeks later, people were reaching out to me trying to figure out why you hadn't contacted them--including your mother (which is funny because I hadn't met your mother yet, in this dream). I checked my phone and realized you hadn't called me either. Strange. I called and asked if I could come see you. You said yes, so I took the $5 and hour-long train ride from L.A. to the Midwest and ended up bringing you back with me. I never saw your new digs. We got back to the apartment that same day and found my roommate sleeping on the chair next the couch in the living room. We crept into the bedroom to talk so as to avoid waking her up, but before I got to say anything you asked to use my chapstick. "Sure, it's in the bathroom." As you walked over to get it, I asked you if you'd called your mother yet, and you said no. I didn't know why. I wanted to ask if you'd moved on but instead I woke up. When my eyes opened, I laid in bed for several minutes wondering why you hadn't called me either... then I realized you were dead.

what is it you want most?

The tail end of the last post was an attempt at motivating myself to get up and do something with my life. I am not that person, the "go-getter," and have never really been her, truthfully (though I'd always try to convince others that I was). I'd spent most of this life cruising through on a single track when suddenly I reached an 8-point junction without any clue of which track was best. I know this is something that everyone experiences at some point (sometimes several times). Some people make it through to the right one(s), and others are always coming across dead ends. I think the big difference between those people is passion.

Passion is one of those things in my life that I find to be incredibly elusive. Sometimes I feel as though I find it, then it disappears in a split second. My interests ebb and flow over time and because of that, I struggle to find a definite path that I feel so pressured to select. I find that I like many things, but am passionate about none, and this leaves me feeling empty.

This is a topic that comes up nearly every time I meet someone--it's the go-to question for the freshly matriculated young adult. When someone asks you what you want to do with your life and you answer, "I don't know," they'll usually resort to asking you "What are you passionate about? When you wake in the morning, what is it that you want to do with your life? Leave out the outside pressures, the money... What is it you want most?" I have no answer. Does anyone else have trouble with this? I feel like I'm forever searching for my niche and as time goes on, I become more frightened that it doesn't exist. I'm not delusional to the point that I believe I am in the only lonely person in the world that doesn't know what they want to do with their life post-grad, but I do think that the majority of people at least have something they enjoy doing most, something they do with their life apart from "work", which helps lead them to the right track.

Perhaps my solution is to let go of the search and let my fickle passions take me where they may. It's been a while since I last envisioned myself as the person who is content doing that one thing.

p.s. This is my beautiful friend Mary. She is passionate about books and writing.
Photo by yours truly at Illiad in North Hollywood.