what is it you want most?

The tail end of the last post was an attempt at motivating myself to get up and do something with my life. I am not that person, the "go-getter," and have never really been her, truthfully (though I'd always try to convince others that I was). I'd spent most of this life cruising through on a single track when suddenly I reached an 8-point junction without any clue of which track was best. I know this is something that everyone experiences at some point (sometimes several times). Some people make it through to the right one(s), and others are always coming across dead ends. I think the big difference between those people is passion.

Passion is one of those things in my life that I find to be incredibly elusive. Sometimes I feel as though I find it, then it disappears in a split second. My interests ebb and flow over time and because of that, I struggle to find a definite path that I feel so pressured to select. I find that I like many things, but am passionate about none, and this leaves me feeling empty.

This is a topic that comes up nearly every time I meet someone--it's the go-to question for the freshly matriculated young adult. When someone asks you what you want to do with your life and you answer, "I don't know," they'll usually resort to asking you "What are you passionate about? When you wake in the morning, what is it that you want to do with your life? Leave out the outside pressures, the money... What is it you want most?" I have no answer. Does anyone else have trouble with this? I feel like I'm forever searching for my niche and as time goes on, I become more frightened that it doesn't exist. I'm not delusional to the point that I believe I am in the only lonely person in the world that doesn't know what they want to do with their life post-grad, but I do think that the majority of people at least have something they enjoy doing most, something they do with their life apart from "work", which helps lead them to the right track.

Perhaps my solution is to let go of the search and let my fickle passions take me where they may. It's been a while since I last envisioned myself as the person who is content doing that one thing.

p.s. This is my beautiful friend Mary. She is passionate about books and writing.
Photo by yours truly at Illiad in North Hollywood.