what girls want

I'm asked this question a lot, but am never prepared to answer it--"What do girls want?" It's usually preceded by a line of complaints about some failed attempt at dating a girl. I've given it some thought and I really can't say I have an answer. Probably because I'll only know what I want once I've found it.

It's fairly easy to write out a list of what we want in a potential partner: whether it be tall, dark, and handsome, or artistic, or funny, or religious, or a Harley-enthusiast, or a jock, etc... But these lists need to be thrown out. What we really want on paper never proves to be enough because they tend to describe two-dimensional people. We'll meet someone new and check off their personality and be content with what we see, until their other qualities come out and then all of a sudden this happens: "I don't even know you!"

What we think we truly want is someone who is a little bit of everything. This person comes with some or all of the things we love, and more likely than not, plenty of what we loathe. I could describe my perfect man and this person may exist somewhere in the world, but the reality of the situation is that I won't find him in this lifetime. We write to extremes but the people we meet and love tend to be a real mixture of what we want (and don't want).

At the end of the day, I think what we're really looking for is an all-consuming love and passion, a dynamic interaction that exists as both a quiet flame and a blazing fire. And at this point in my life, I'm convinced the only way to find that is to allow a new relationship plenty of time to develop, to the point where we come to know things about the other that they don't even know about themselves. Basically, it ain't gon' be quick or easy!

(On a side note: There's much to be said about open communication in a relationship. I find myself keeping quiet the thoughts that may drive away a potential love interest, but in the end, this doesn't do me any good because I've wasted time that could be spent with the right person. Read: We mustn't extend relationships past their expiration dates.)

p.s. I have no idea what I'm talking about.

what is it you want most?

The tail end of the last post was an attempt at motivating myself to get up and do something with my life. I am not that person, the "go-getter," and have never really been her, truthfully (though I'd always try to convince others that I was). I'd spent most of this life cruising through on a single track when suddenly I reached an 8-point junction without any clue of which track was best. I know this is something that everyone experiences at some point (sometimes several times). Some people make it through to the right one(s), and others are always coming across dead ends. I think the big difference between those people is passion.

Passion is one of those things in my life that I find to be incredibly elusive. Sometimes I feel as though I find it, then it disappears in a split second. My interests ebb and flow over time and because of that, I struggle to find a definite path that I feel so pressured to select. I find that I like many things, but am passionate about none, and this leaves me feeling empty.

This is a topic that comes up nearly every time I meet someone--it's the go-to question for the freshly matriculated young adult. When someone asks you what you want to do with your life and you answer, "I don't know," they'll usually resort to asking you "What are you passionate about? When you wake in the morning, what is it that you want to do with your life? Leave out the outside pressures, the money... What is it you want most?" I have no answer. Does anyone else have trouble with this? I feel like I'm forever searching for my niche and as time goes on, I become more frightened that it doesn't exist. I'm not delusional to the point that I believe I am in the only lonely person in the world that doesn't know what they want to do with their life post-grad, but I do think that the majority of people at least have something they enjoy doing most, something they do with their life apart from "work", which helps lead them to the right track.

Perhaps my solution is to let go of the search and let my fickle passions take me where they may. It's been a while since I last envisioned myself as the person who is content doing that one thing.

p.s. This is my beautiful friend Mary. She is passionate about books and writing.
Photo by yours truly at Illiad in North Hollywood.

new year, new 'do

Today, I drove up to Mt. Washington and the Lady Lodge with a clean head of hair and a healthy sense of adventure. After introducing me to the cat, Bethany prepped her station and asked me how I wanted her to cut my hair. I told her I was ready for some change, but wasn't sure exactly what I wanted. We settled on trimming it to a little past my shoulders. As she ran her shears through the top of my braid, I felt the loss of what was and caught a glimpse of what's to come. She worked and worked and we talked and talked of everything from angbao to meditation to knitting and to our shared habit of clenching our jaws during times of stress and anxiety. I was relaxed. After about an hour, she paused and stood in front of me, flipping the front pieces of my hair. "Can I do what I want to do? I'm trying to help you look like the best version of yourself, and this is what'll do it." I told her I trusted her and she went in with her razor as my jaw tensed. Two hours later, I had an asymmetrical bob and couldn't have been happier with the results.

"From what you were telling me about yourself, I knew that you wanted this, but you were too scared to do it. So I just forced it on you. I hope you're okay with that." Fuck yeah, b. I'm totally cool with that. My hair loves you.

Sometimes, we don't do what we really want in life because we're scared or unsure of how it'll affect the future. Sometimes, we need a little push in the right direction from outside forces. Most of the time, the decision is ours and ours alone, and we can't rely on those outside forces to help us along. I'm here to tell you that even with something as simple as a haircut (which, come on girls, isn't really "simple"), find something you like and do it/go for it/get it, *especially* if you're going to change your mind about it a week later. Every experience has the potential to teach you something about yourself.

Why put it off any longer? Life is short and we've been giving way too many shits about the little things.

feeling your age

^{photo: gizmodo}

In my limited experience being alive on this planet as a human being, I find that one phrase in particular is uttered most frequently on the anniversary of my birth. "I'm **!"--(** being my age)--"but I don't feel **."

This birthday is different for me. This is the first time actually I feel. my. age. Now let me clarify: I'm not saying I feel my age in the sense that I'm old and ragged and I feel my body failing me, but I do sense my mind finally letting go of the remnants of the adolescent naïveté it had been holding on to so desperately. I'm in my early 20's, and while still in college, I was being sheltered from the world by textbooks, lecture halls, and early morning exams. "I'm 21! Yay! Drinks! Okay, but I have to finish my homework first." At this stage of my life, I consider myself to be "grown-up" because I've completed what I consider to be the (my) minimum requirement for adulthood (obtaining a college education). On top of that, I find myself to be more capable of keeping healthy social relationships while being (almost) completely emotionally self-sufficient.

This past year was filled by a maelstrom of emotions fueled by many a life-changing event--including, but not limited to: tempestuous romances, close calls, tragic deaths, finally being kicked out of the proverbial academic nest into the real world... It really should have been enough to put me out of the game for good. I was left disoriented, disconcerted, and exposed to all the disappointed hopes the world had to offer, but I emerged from the cocoon battle-scarred and ready for another adventure. "DUDE, I'm okay now! I'm O.K. Really, I'm fine. My shrink is confident in my ability to not kill myself."

I do not claim to possess all of the wisdom and experience life has to offer at the ripe young age of 23, but I do feel ever-so-slightly competent of the ways of the world and almost relieved at knowing I have this new strength of will and poise in the face of the world's caprice.

And I'm excited. This is when I truly get to explore my options unhindered by a strict schedule and decide what kind of person I'm going to be for the next couple of years. I'm at a new stage of my life and I can do whatever I want to do. I am capable.

[But suppose this is not how 23 is supposed to feel. Suppose in an alternate reality, things did not go as they did last summer and I am living a happy life in the city with a stable grown-up job and perhaps even a stable grown-up relationship. In the morning, I get up and go to work. Then I come back home at the appropriate hour, pour myself a glass of wine, and cook dinner for one (or perhaps a dinner for two). Sleep. Wake up and repeat. And I'm happy. I suppose I would think I felt 23 then, too. A different kind of 23, but a newly formed grown-up nonetheless and none-the-wiser. I'm not too sure which reality I'd actually choose, if given the choice.]